I get so torn sometimes... emotions are just so.. bad in general, it seems... I mean... it's like everyone has an emotion, one emotion, and one only that can be made public and actually accepted. I get to be happy. I've actually been told before that I can't be depressed, it's not possible, and when I get angry, people have been surprised that I yell.... How is that even possible? We have emotions, several, for a reason.... Don't we? I mean, everything isn't based on instict, we have cognitive thoughts, we have ideas, we have, that dreaded f word, feelings.
But, no one can share that, no one else is supposed to know that deep down, we're upset by something, we're envious, we're horribly depressed. It's taboo to be honest when honesty is the best policy. Thank you, Mr. Lincoln, but you were dellusional. Honesty isn't good, it's terrible. So, all our lives we're trained to bottle those unpleasant things, those things that belong to any emotion other than our accepted public one.
Surely if it's tucked away in our metaphorical bottle with the corck tightly on, nothing bad could possibly happen, we wouldn't allow ourselves to think that. If we do what we've been trained to do, then everything will be okay. Sometimes though, we're forced out of our comfort bubble. Our grand lie is caught, and I wonder, is it on purpose? Do we want to keep things bottled, or do we just want to let it out (blASpheMy)?
But we are caught, and we're made to uncork, to spill that bitter, congealed emotions, staining everything it touches, burning hands. My bottle got spilled. My facade was realized and I was forced to tell or lose a friend (frienDS). And now.. what's come of it? I don't know.. Fucking humanity. I told and nothing. I haven't spoken to that forced unbottler since then. Why did I do it? because she didn't want me to do something terrible with all those bottles. Enough to make a vineyard jealous.
Was it worth it? To break the bottles like the christening of an ill fated ship? I don't know.. I've just been left fairly empty... Except the more I think on it, the more those bottles get replaced, filling with something even more poisonous, helped along ever so willingly by some more recent events.. it sucks... To Hell with feelings, to hell with bottling. None of it's worth the effort.
Current Mood: |
 depressed |
Current Music: |
"Karma Police" -- Radiohead |
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old_doll's journal
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indescribable
and that's why it really hurts
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